Tom came with us to the Mama’s group here in town yesterday, without even my having to beg him. Sure, he rolled his eyes a bit and asked “Do you really want me to come?” when I casually asked if he would be attending as the stay-at-home-parent in the family, but when I told him “Yessssss, pleasssse” he put on his shoes and got a diaper bag together. I think he will be okay.
The group was actually great yesterday, since two other stay-at-home dads were there, and we were able to discuss just what that transition is like. While I know Tom is going to be great with the girls, I also know that he has no idea what he is in for. When we told his parents the plan yesterday, Tom half-jokingly said “Yup, I’ll be the HouseHusband, and I can show Ivory how easy it really is” which made us all look at him with pity, because oh. Oh dear. Having other dads say things like “It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had” made an impact on him, and I hope he took their advice to heart. I also hope he doesn’t take a year and a half to learn what I did - you can’t do it alone. If the only adult contact you have in a day is your partner when they come home tired from work, you will go slowly insane. I know Tom isn’t going to go to the Mama’s meeting every week and talk about his feeeeelings, but we know a handful of hands on dads who will be a great support for Tom, if he will make the effort to get to know them better. Or, maybe he can start a blog. (*Snicker snicker*)
I do worry though. I have a hard time delegating tasks out in general, because I want things done my way. I’ve spent 3 years honing my nurturing skills, and many of my parenting decisions (which Tom has graciously followed since I have been the in-house expert) have been made only after months of reading, thinking, talking and journaling. I know Tom - he’s just not an introspective guy, and I worry that this will mean a less thoughtful parenting style. And what if it does? What if we have more cookies then fruit in the house; what if we start using disposable diapers over the cloth; what if the TV is on for hours on end? Will it be my place to lead my family in that way, make those kinds of decisions? Will I be stepping on his toes, telling him how to do his job?
Don’t get me wrong - Tom is an amazing dad, and I know the girls are going to be safe, happy and loved. But he’s not me, and I’m going to have to learn to accept that.
On our taxes this year, my occupation was listed as “Housewife” which made Tom and I both laugh. Perhaps if you could see my house, you would laugh too. I… am not a housekeeper. I was upfront with Tom about this when we first met - I am clear in my priorities, and dusting is not anywhere near the top. Heck, laundry only creeps into the top 10 when I am out of undies. I like making messes - with food, with crafts, with blocks and crayons and books. I like cluttered bookshelves, and I can ignore oatmeal streaks on a window like you wouldn’t believe.
It’s a talent, really, living in muck with a smile. I am strict about things that smell or could make us sick - I am the sponge watchdog, and never let food sit on a plate on the counter overnight because, eww. But the sprayed off plate? It will sit there until I am either out of plates/lids/cutting boards to eat off, or Tom gets home and (shaking his head at the chaos) loads the dishwasher. In fact, Tom does a lot of the cleaning around here, and with him starting his new and improved job, I am determined to take that load off of him. When I was pregnant out-to-there, and then had a newborn & toddler, I think my excuses were pretty valid. Besides, Tom was only working part time the last few months, and if he is here to help make the messes, it’s fair that he helps clean them up. But for him to have to come home from1.5 jobs to clean up after me and the girls? Smacks a bit of princess, doesn’t it?
So, I made a schedule, and we are sticking to it. There are set times every day to wake up, start laundry, do dishes, have snacks, take naps. There are days for changing sheets, for cleaning bathrooms, and for (gasp) dusting (we live on a busy street, so it really does build up in the summer when we have the windows open). It’s been two weeks, and little by little it’s starting too feel more like “our day” and less like a job. There is a lot of room for wiggles and play, but it has also really helped the mood of the house to know what is coming next. Ella has started sleeping on a schedule (finally) and I’ve only had to run out of the shower naked, yelling “WHERE ARE ALL THE CLEAN TOWELS” once, and it was because they were in the dryer, not a wet mess in the closet. They say it takes 6 weeks for a routine to stick, so we’re a third of the way there.
All that said, my house is trashed right now. Ella has her ears turned off today, which makes keeping up with the messes hard. Right now she is sleeping, which would be an ideal time to catch up on dishes from yesterday and maybe fold a load of laundry without her godzillaing it, but instead I am drinking rewarmed coffee from this morning and googling “Meal Planning”.
Do any of you meal plan? I’m sure you do, because you are a smarter, more attractive, funnier person than I am. Of course you meal plan - you don’t run to the store 4 times a week for “just one thing” and come home with $60 worth of “groceries”. You don’t overbuy produce and then eat cheese sandwiches all week. You don’t even buy (more) crackers because the box is pretty, do you? I knew you didn’t.
The thing is, I don’t want to be that kind of consumer. I want to be a thoughtful consumer, a smart consumer. I want to know that what I am feeding my family is not only nutritious to them, but also not too costly to the earth. I believe in buying local, in knowing the grower, and in voting with my dollar. All of which are hard to do at Safeway. There is a local organic market that has a great grocery delivery service that I really want to support (not only for my own sanity, but also because I am so excited that Podunk City has this option and I want it to stick around) but to order groceries I really need to know what I am ordering and why. Thus, meal planning.
Advice? Links? If you have weekly menus you want to throw my way (especially ones that take leftovers into account) I would love to look at them. I know once I get my feet under me (and all the toys out from under my feet) it will be easy, but have you googled “meal planning” lately? There is a lot of information out there, and it’s a lot to sift through when you are 2 days behind on the diaper laundry. Any shove in the right direction would be great.
Recently in our kitchen:
Me: Slamming around pots and pans, mad that I have to EAT to survive.
Tom: “What’s your malfunction?”
Me: “I don’t freaking know. I just feel mad. Gahhhhhh I just want food in my mouth right nowwwww.”
Tom: “Are you pregnant?”
Me: “Why do you hate me?”
Tom wistfully: “Wouldn’t it be great to have another one?”
Me: “No really, what have I ever done to you?”
Tom:”And then I could go get my balls snipped and in 20 years we could be done. Let’s do it, let’s just get them out of the way. Unless it’s another girl, then we have to try again. I mean, we owe it to the world to make more beautiful kids. “
Me: Blink blink
And then I laid down on the kitchen floor and went to sleep, because damn, that sounds tiring.
(And by posting this, I am tempting Fate, since the last time I wrote “No babies!” in my blog, we promptly found out that we were expecting our Cricket. What if I say “yay babies!” What will you do then, Fate, huh? *Poke in the eye*)
Filed under: Tom
We are still the luckiest girls in the world.
Happy birthday Tom. We may not be rolling in the dough, but you have made my life richer in every way.
Love,
Your Wife
