The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

Sometimes I think I am going to lose her in the sun.

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Real entries coming back soon. We are enjoying this strange little respite of nice weather before the glooms move in this weekend, so if you need us, we’re picking apples, going for walks, and rolling in the grass.

Potential space for the NP., originally uploaded by ivymae.

Needs work but is an amazing space.

Whew, thank God today was better. Well, better in the sense that I didn’t spend all day moping around, but still pretty crummy in the sick-kids/dental-work department. It seems like such a small leap lately between “Aw shucks, today is tough, but we’ll keep on truckin’!” and “I want to walk out of the door, get on the bus, go to the bar, and never come home. Where are my shoes?” I know that my trigger is when I feel inadequate, because, oh hello, Daddy issues? Nice to see you again. But I need to get a handle on it, because if Mama is in a bad mood, the entire house is crabby, which does not help my mood.  Self confidence - I needs me some. Poor Tom - I go to him for validation that I’m not a failure, and even when he tries to give me what I want, I somehow manage to bring him down to my level. Trying to give me a hand? Oh, let me pull you in instead, so at least I have company. It’s no wonder that on his rough days, he just refuses to go into that whirlpool of negativity. I know it’s what I would do - not participate in a repetitive behavior that is damaging to everyone involved - but from inside that “Woe is me” bubble, it just feels like abandonment.

Wow, did you come here for cute pictures of kids? Hope you don’t mind my midnight therapy session instead. I’m up working on part of the feasibility study for the nonprofit, and I have a favor to ask you. Our current name is catchy, simple, and makes it clear what kind of parenting group we are. it is also similar to a small, new, national parenting magazine. We are looking into trademark loopholes, but are also putting feelers out for a new name, to possibly avoid the issue all together. So, what have you got? We feel like “Family Resource Center” is just too clinical, but something like “Village: A Family Resource Center” could work. Nothing is sounding right though, so give me ideas.

Also: I am trying not to publish the city we live in but if you are interested in seeing the site I put together for the group last spring, and seeing more about the (current) group, let me know and I will email you the link. This is just one of the many times where I am torn between saying “I won’t be intimidated by the unknown, here’s my life, nothing bad can happen” and “Panic! Panic! You publish facts about your life for strangers! Take it down!” It’s a daily tug of war.

Jen recently linked to Polyvore, and after playing around with it for a bit, I decided to put together my uniform. You know, the outfit that I wear at least once a week, not because it is stunning, but because I know I can pull it off with minimal effort. Skirt + wrap shirt, funky bag, black slip on mary janes, and simple but classic jewelry. It’s hard to go wrong there.

In a perfect world, I could wear this every day, but in reality, I have more yoga pants than cute skirts, so this is a more typical day:

What about you?

(P.S.- Today is a bust. A no-sleep, sick-kids, root-canal, arguing-with-husband, behind-on-work bust. Distract me?)

Meme, originally uploaded by ivymae.

Meme time. Take a picture of yourself right now. Do not change your clothes, do not do your hair, do not edit the picture. And while I am mobile posting, let me tell ya, it’s been a rough day. First day of fall, and it’s been raining all day. Goodbye summer. *sigh*

Last hurrah, originally uploaded by ivymae.

They finally finished the new splash pad 3 blocks from my house, and turned it on this week. Thankfully the weather has been surprisingly hot (low 90s!) so I didn’t have to try to explain to Ella the absurdity of playing in the sprinkler in the middle of September. Hurrah!

In an effort to save money, we’re turning off our cable. It is our largest (non-mortgage) bill right now, and that is just ridiculous.  When we decided that I would turn down the university job and focus on the nonprofit, we started looking for places we could cut back, and it was easy to see the weak link in our budget. Since I’m already a thrifter by nature, there isn’t much fat to trim in our clothing budget, or our housing-stuff budget. The food budget is being reworked (aka - I HAVE to start sticking to our meal plans), and our almost nonexistent entertainment budget got even smaller. We’re turning off lights, driving less, and repurposing instead of buying new. It’s been kind of fun actually, finding ways to be more efficient, so when we looked at our bills, and one company was taking over 60% of our non-mortgage bill money, we knew either the TV or the internet had to go. And that was an easy choice.

It’s only been the last two years or so that I’ve even HAD television that didn’t require a tinfoil antenna, so I’m trying not to second guess our decision. We will keep our Blockbuster Online subscription, and may even splurge and get two movies at a time. Fancy, I know. I can watch most of ‘my shows’ on Hulu, and the ones that I can’t will be out on DVD eventually, so eh. Really, the only thing that makes me nervous is that span of time right after we wake up, when Clifford distracts my child while I hook up my caffeine IV. But that is what library videos are for, right?

I really expected Tom to break out in hives when I suggested it, but after a couple minutes of deep breathing, he was on board. Of course, he is already dreaming up ways to spend the money we are saving, but it’s one step at a time right?

Thank you guys So Much for the supportive comments, I am tempted to print them out and snuggle with them. I’ve been so nervous to talk about the nonprofit, both because I don’t want to jinx it, and because I know that many people see the plan as foolish. I would be a community organizer after all. *smirk* I guess it goes along with a lot of my choices in the last few years - to have a homebirth, to use cloth diapers, to eat organic when it’s available, and to raise my children in as gentle a way as possible. I know that there is a stigma to these things, and assumptions made about my motives. But let it be known: I didn’t make any of these choices, including the one to start a community center, in an effort to be anything. I am stumbling along just like everyone else, following my gut and making decisions based on what makes the most sense, and fulfills me. The fact that they box me into a certain ‘type’ of person has more to do with your assumptions than they do with my identity, and I really can’t do anything about that.

*Ahem*

Anyway, thank you guys for being so supportive and enthusiastic. You’re awesome.

(This picture cracks me up every time I see it, so here ya go. It’s part of a ridiculous post from last year.)

Spending our labor day catching up on quilt tops.

ETA: This is at my mother in law’s quilt shop (fabric and machine rentals), and the machine is an A-1 longarm quilting machine. It’s fancy. I managed the shop from the time Ella was about 4 months old until she was nearly one, and she spent 90% of the time on my back like this. I went in today while the shop was closed for Labor Day and fondled all the fabric. I married into the right family.