Into the Wild has been sitting on top of our DVD player for weeks now, waiting to either be watched or returned to Blockbuster. We do this a lot - rent movies and end up owning them - but the good news is that we are not alone in putting off watching movies we know do not end well. Yesterday Tom and I finally had two hours of semi-quiet to sit and fold laundry and watch it, and I’ve been in a funk every since. As far as the movie goes, it was just okay. Too slow, too long, and not brilliantly acted, but it is a great story, and one I was excited by when I heard an interview with the author nearly a year ago on NPR. But the timing was off. I should has taken the movie back and got Ella a Curious George video for 6am, because this week was not the time for me to watch a movie about a 20 something year old kid leaving his family for two years, angry about his childhood, feeling the need for adventure, and then wandering into the woods and dying.

Tomorrow is my brother’s 20th birthday.

I haven’t heard from him in over a year and a half, and have not seen him in almost three years.

I’ve said before that his story is not mine to tell, but my story is. And my story is that my little brother got the short end of the stick in our family, and when I was given the option to save him or save myself, I chose me. And I think about that every day.

The last time we talked, he made it clear - if he wants us in his life, he will let us know. He asked to be left alone, but still, I google his name, I search faces on networking sites, I get anxious and angry, and then I just get sad. I type his name into the search boxes - I try his nicknames, our mother’s maiden name, possible places he could be living. I don’t need details, I don’t want to spy on him, or pry into his life. I just want to know he is okay. I just want to know he is alive.

Because even though he doesn’t want us in his life, he is still in mine. We talk about him a lot. He is included in our nighttime routine of naming family members in the hallway photos, and Ella asks to hear the story about how, when my parents brought him home from the hospital, they told me they found him under a seashell (he was born in a tiny clinic in northern California, close enough to the beach that it’s threatened by high tide). She asks where he lives, and I make up funny places, like the moon, or in a submarine. They know who he is, because I hold out hope that someday he will know who they are also.

I wonder if he talks about us, to whoever is in his life. I wonder if he ever says “My sister Ivory” instead of lumping me into “my family”. I wonder if he is happy. God, do I hope he is happy. I hope he is finding what he is looking for, and that one day I’ll get a call from him and he’ll say “He sis, you won’t believe what I saw today…” and we can go back to being friends. I hope he knows he can come here. I hope he reads this blog occasionally and sees that you can be so much more than your past dictates, and that there is so much joy in the world, even for us.

I hope he’s having a happy birthday, and that someone made him a cake.

Sometimes I think I am going to lose her in the sun.

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Real entries coming back soon. We are enjoying this strange little respite of nice weather before the glooms move in this weekend, so if you need us, we’re picking apples, going for walks, and rolling in the grass.

Potential space for the NP., originally uploaded by ivymae.

Needs work but is an amazing space.

Whew, thank God today was better. Well, better in the sense that I didn’t spend all day moping around, but still pretty crummy in the sick-kids/dental-work department. It seems like such a small leap lately between “Aw shucks, today is tough, but we’ll keep on truckin’!” and “I want to walk out of the door, get on the bus, go to the bar, and never come home. Where are my shoes?” I know that my trigger is when I feel inadequate, because, oh hello, Daddy issues? Nice to see you again. But I need to get a handle on it, because if Mama is in a bad mood, the entire house is crabby, which does not help my mood.  Self confidence - I needs me some. Poor Tom - I go to him for validation that I’m not a failure, and even when he tries to give me what I want, I somehow manage to bring him down to my level. Trying to give me a hand? Oh, let me pull you in instead, so at least I have company. It’s no wonder that on his rough days, he just refuses to go into that whirlpool of negativity. I know it’s what I would do - not participate in a repetitive behavior that is damaging to everyone involved - but from inside that “Woe is me” bubble, it just feels like abandonment.

Wow, did you come here for cute pictures of kids? Hope you don’t mind my midnight therapy session instead. I’m up working on part of the feasibility study for the nonprofit, and I have a favor to ask you. Our current name is catchy, simple, and makes it clear what kind of parenting group we are. it is also similar to a small, new, national parenting magazine. We are looking into trademark loopholes, but are also putting feelers out for a new name, to possibly avoid the issue all together. So, what have you got? We feel like “Family Resource Center” is just too clinical, but something like “Village: A Family Resource Center” could work. Nothing is sounding right though, so give me ideas.

Also: I am trying not to publish the city we live in but if you are interested in seeing the site I put together for the group last spring, and seeing more about the (current) group, let me know and I will email you the link. This is just one of the many times where I am torn between saying “I won’t be intimidated by the unknown, here’s my life, nothing bad can happen” and “Panic! Panic! You publish facts about your life for strangers! Take it down!” It’s a daily tug of war.

Jen recently linked to Polyvore, and after playing around with it for a bit, I decided to put together my uniform. You know, the outfit that I wear at least once a week, not because it is stunning, but because I know I can pull it off with minimal effort. Skirt + wrap shirt, funky bag, black slip on mary janes, and simple but classic jewelry. It’s hard to go wrong there.

In a perfect world, I could wear this every day, but in reality, I have more yoga pants than cute skirts, so this is a more typical day:

What about you?

(P.S.- Today is a bust. A no-sleep, sick-kids, root-canal, arguing-with-husband, behind-on-work bust. Distract me?)

Meme, originally uploaded by ivymae.

Meme time. Take a picture of yourself right now. Do not change your clothes, do not do your hair, do not edit the picture. And while I am mobile posting, let me tell ya, it’s been a rough day. First day of fall, and it’s been raining all day. Goodbye summer. *sigh*

Last hurrah, originally uploaded by ivymae.

They finally finished the new splash pad 3 blocks from my house, and turned it on this week. Thankfully the weather has been surprisingly hot (low 90s!) so I didn’t have to try to explain to Ella the absurdity of playing in the sprinkler in the middle of September. Hurrah!

What it was last night:

(Short) fingerless Adrienne gloves in Manos Del Uruguay, knit in the round because seaming is not my strong point. I took out the ribbing last night, because I wanted it to be snugger, but by then it was after 1am, so I just left my needles in it and planned to rework it this morning over coffee.

What I found in the hallway when I woke up:

Hmm, my needles. But wait…. if they are here….

What I found on the kitchen floor:

Toddler for sale, toddler for sale, one sneaky, sly toddler for sale.

In an effort to save money, we’re turning off our cable. It is our largest (non-mortgage) bill right now, and that is just ridiculous.  When we decided that I would turn down the university job and focus on the nonprofit, we started looking for places we could cut back, and it was easy to see the weak link in our budget. Since I’m already a thrifter by nature, there isn’t much fat to trim in our clothing budget, or our housing-stuff budget. The food budget is being reworked (aka - I HAVE to start sticking to our meal plans), and our almost nonexistent entertainment budget got even smaller. We’re turning off lights, driving less, and repurposing instead of buying new. It’s been kind of fun actually, finding ways to be more efficient, so when we looked at our bills, and one company was taking over 60% of our non-mortgage bill money, we knew either the TV or the internet had to go. And that was an easy choice.

It’s only been the last two years or so that I’ve even HAD television that didn’t require a tinfoil antenna, so I’m trying not to second guess our decision. We will keep our Blockbuster Online subscription, and may even splurge and get two movies at a time. Fancy, I know. I can watch most of ‘my shows’ on Hulu, and the ones that I can’t will be out on DVD eventually, so eh. Really, the only thing that makes me nervous is that span of time right after we wake up, when Clifford distracts my child while I hook up my caffeine IV. But that is what library videos are for, right?

I really expected Tom to break out in hives when I suggested it, but after a couple minutes of deep breathing, he was on board. Of course, he is already dreaming up ways to spend the money we are saving, but it’s one step at a time right?

This week has been draining - emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially. I’m just tired, and looking foward to the next few days when Tom is home and I can ‘check out’ for a while. In the mean time:

1. If you are not already a fan of Mermade Baubles, then this is a great opportunity to check out Jen’s talent and enter for a chance to win a beautiful necklace.

2. A great article about money management and the stress it can have on a relationship. When i forwarded this to Tom, he said “Well, that’s it. You will just have to start wasting money on electronics if you want this marriage to work.”

3. I am going through my photos, trying to sort out all my ‘crafty’ photos, and realizing that I only manage to take pictures of maybe a third of the things I make. Note to self: work on that.

4. We’re going to make this this afternoon.

5. This fruit fly trap actually works much better than cussing and spraying them with cleaner midair.

6. Finally, a way to get Tom and Ella to eat eggplant and squash: slice it thin, bread it and deep fry it. So basically, cancel out any nutritional value. Next up: beets.